People

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What is wrong with people?

What I ended up doing was taking 1 week off sick, and working 1 week from home last week. I felt that was a good compromise. Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for some people.

I had a good stretch of about four nights where I slept for the entire night. It felt amazing. I felt like a had a much better handle over my emotions, life didn’t seem so gloomy, and I felt like life wasn’t too hard. That I could do this.

Yesterday, we finally got some news about my mom biopsies. It’s not good. On top of her returned lymphoma cancer, she now has stomach cancer, and that has propagated to her liver. She is in the hospital for another transfusion today, and Thursday she has a meeting with her oncologist to hear what course of treatment they have decided on, etc.

Last night I layed in bed, staring at the ceiling, for the whole night. I did not sleep one minute. I knew that the three coworkers who have been giving me sly attitude would have something to say about my working from home today again. I had an appointment with my specialist yesterday, and he agreed that working from home is a good compromise. (As opposed to going on medical leave straight out.) He wrote me a doctor’s note. I sent the note to my manager as an attachment in an e-mail, and wrote down a list of reasons why I think that due to the nature of my position, I think that I am an ideal candidate for working from home. I stared at the ceiling all night, worrying about what those two people would say about my working from home. I don’t think I even fell asleep for one minute.

When my alarm rang at 7:30, I was nauseous and shaky. I was having a blood sugar low. I got ready and came downstairs to my work set-up. 30 minutes after my start time, it started.

“Are you coming in the office today?????”

“Are you working from home for the whole week????”

“Wow, must be nice.”

Me, to one of the two : “Is that okay with you?”

Her : “Is what okay?”

Me : “My working from home for the week.”

Her : “Does it matter? It’s none of my business”

Me : “It matters to me.” (She was my very closest coworker, for years!) 

Her : “If your doctor tells you to work from home, it doesn’t matter what we think about it.”

What would you do? Is my baby safer with my working from home, where I’m stressed about what those women are saying about me, possibly ruining my professional reputation, or should I suck it up and go bleed and go be hypoglycemic at work, 3 feet away from them, to make them happy?

D.E.S.S.E.R.T.S.

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So, I’ve been stressed. I am finally past the critical 12 week mark, but it’s important for me to not stress myself out, so that I can control my diabetes, my anxiety, my IBS and everything else. With being responsible for 2 positions at work, other work stuff that I’m having a really hard time with, my high risk pregnancy, university, and last but not least, my mom receiving her biposy results, which is the worst option possible – The mass on her liver is a 2nd cancer. Tomorrow she’s going for tests to determine if there are more tumors in her stomach, intestines, etc. Fingers crossed.

When I told my doctor that the reason I have having a hard time controling my blood sugars is because of all this, and started crying in his office, he wrote me a note for a 2 week medical leave from work. On one hand, I feel guilty, on the other hand, I’ve wanted to be a mother for so long, and this might be my only shot… I have to put my health first. Right?

My little peanut shaped secret!

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Pregnancy brain started early. I had completely forgotten that the cleaners were coming on that day, so the cleaning lady who saw my “3 weeks +” positive digital pregnancy test on the counter found out that we are expecting before our parents did! hehe You can read the end of the previous post and put 2 and 2 together, but really we were not trying. But we were not preventing. I can’t believe it happened this fast! I’m ecstatic, even though the timing could have been so much better. I’m currently working 2 positions at work, and going to university part-time, and we’ll have to cancel that pre-booked March 2015 cruise with the unrefundable deposit. But it’s worth it. I’m praying that even though I’m high risk, that I deliver a healthy baby in 7 months.

This is still a secret. I’m trying to not tell the world until 12 weeks, but it’s hard! So nothing on Facebook, please!

peanut ultrasound

2 Weeks

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The one thing I will miss from this little 1 bedroom apartment that has been our home for the past 3 years is the view of Dieppe and the marsh from our top floor balcony. I will miss seeing the overflow of traffic on the first day of school (tomorrow morning!), and the eerie quietness and lack of traffic late on Christmas Day and during snow storms. I will not, however, miss my balcony being so close to my neighbors’ balconies that we have to whisper conversations and stifle our laughter.  I will not miss having to wake up early on rare sleep-in days to move the car after a snow storm. I will not miss the ban on laundry appliances after 9pm, and I will especially not miss fire alarm practices and landlord power trips.

 

In 2 weeks we are moving into our new house! We are so excited! I have done a lot of packing during this long weekend, because tomorrow university starts again! Who knew that after not using my big rotisserie pan for like 2 months, I’d suddenly need it twice this weekend, obviously after having already packed it! These two months off everything but my regular full time job have been great, but nowhere near  as relaxing and rejuvenating as I was anticipating them to be. I contemplated taking a semester off, to rest more and enjoy the move, but ultimately I don’t want to lose time.  I didn’t even make time to see my friends like I said I would. The two months off were filled with travel, 2 friends’ wedding, and trying to adapt to changes at work that are sucking.

 

2 weeks ago I turned 35 years old! Geez, where does the time go? I remember not so long ago thinking that 35 was OLD! I don’t feel old at all. I feel like life only keeps getting better and better as I age, yet I am painfully aware of how short and fleeting life is. At 20 years old, I thought that I was young and that I knew everything. At 35, I know that I’m young, and that I barely know anything. I have learned a lot of life lessons, that’s for sure. I can’t wait to see what the next 5 years will bring!

 

2 weeks before my birthday, we made a big life decision. I am terrified, yet over the moon excited with the possibilities. In my heart of hearts, I feel like it’s time. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but I need to try.

 

Also, I’m back to being blonde. My hair stylist said “You’re back!”. I think she’s right.

We bought a house!

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Well, we’re in the process of buying our first home together! Tuesday morning we meet the house inspector around 10:15am, and then if there is nothing majorly wrong, all conditions will be lifted from our signed offer. The house will officially be ours on closing day – September 30! It’s hard to believe that I’m finally moving on from my little 1 bedroom post-divorce apartment. It was almost 3 years ago that I was signing the lease to this apartment, full of ambition and hope. My three years here have been everything I thought it would be and more. I loved how close to downtown my apartment is. If I beat rush hour, I can get to work in less than 10 minutes. This apartment has taught me that I never want dark wood floors, like I always thought I wanted. Somehow, this apartment has played a part in turning me into a cat lover. Because there will always be cat hair in my life, I have chosen that despite their beauty, dark wood floors are not for me. I will not miss the smell of fish fry in the hallways, and all of the old people cooking it. It’s not that they are not nice, it’s just that when we pass Tuesday night bingo in the community room downstairs, it makes me really feel like we’re living in a retirement home.

 

Our new house is a raised bungalow in Dieppe. Dieppe just feels like home. I’ve been living in Dieppe for the past 17 years now, minus the four  months I rented in Moncton. I didn’t have a bad experience in Moncton, it’s just that Dieppe feels like home. I can’t explain it. The house has 3 bedrooms, a finished basement, a nice wrap-around deck, a nice big backyard for being in the city. It’s actually 2 pieces of land, and we could sell the other one someday if we wanted to. It’s near the golf course. It’s also near my ex-marital home, which my ex-husband still lives in. I chatted with him about it before putting in an offer (we’re still on great terms, we chat often.) and we determined that we’re never going to bump into each other while taking a walk. (His exact answer was – “Taking a walk LOL”)

 

When we move into our new house, I’m going to celebrate by doing laundry past 9pm, by playing drums in the basement, planting flowers, paint the walls, and convert a whole bedroom into a huge dressing room / walk-in closet.

 

After my divorce, I promised myself that I would never again have a big mortgage, be near house poor, and that I would never again live beyond my means, even temporarily. The first house that we fell in love with was a lot more expensive than the house we ended up buying. $40k more. It was at the very very top of my price range, if we could negotiate about 10k down. It had a garage, 2 fireplaces, 2 bathrooms, and views of the Peticodiac river. However, it just felt scary. We decided to go visit 2 more houses before revisiting the more expensive house we loved and put an offer. We ended up falling in love with our house, which has everything we need and is at the bottom of my price range. It has no garage, but I can compromise on that because I am still spoiled by Julien every winter. He scrapes all the ice off, brushes all the snow off, and warms up the car for me, every single winter morning. It has no fireplaces, but I think I’m going to buy one of those plug-in electric ones. The house we bought vaguely looks like the one pinned to my vision board, which is simply a picture of a house and back deck. I’ve always wanted a big deck. Big decks are wonderful. In the negotiations we also obtained a nice screen house that attaches to the house and back deck. That’s going to be awesome!

 

Other than that, I’m having a hard time being as happy for the house as I should be, because at work things are fucking shitty. Frustrations, tensions, gossip, burn outs, chaos… I feel like I can’t even take it anymore. But I have to, I have no choice. I hope that being happy in my new house gives me the strength and courage to endure work until the chaos gets sorted out, and then decide if it’s time for me to move on if things don’t improve. Things can’t get much worse. I am riddled with anxiety and IBS, and I cried in front of a co-worker last week. I can’t sleep at night. I have constant pains in my stomach. Nausea. I can’t stop worrying about work. We’re driving around in the car on a beautiful sunny day and I gaze at the fields swaying in the wind, but all I see are spreadsheets, pivot tables, targets, and reports. I feel unappreciated, unsupported, and defeated. I don’t find my work rewarding whatsoever. I dread it. I cry a lot. A lot.

 

I went blonde again. I turn 35 in less than a month. I try to remind myself that when Sex and the City started, the four women were 35 and fabulous. I’m trying to feel fabulous, but I feel the opposite of that these days, even though I weigh the least I’ve weighed in years. I don’t know if blonde is still for me? Do I just need to get used to it again? After I went blonde, my co-worker told me that she thinks that red hair is outdated and going out of style… is that even possible? Aren’t there always going to be natural red heads? Why can’t I just go my natural colour you say? I was just given the wrong hair colour somehow. I swear, it’s the most blah hair colour on me, and doesn’t match my almost black eyebrows at all. I really think it was a mistake. My brother was born so blonde his hair looked white, and now that he’s 30, his hair is pretty dark, almost brown. I was born with dark brown chocolate hair, and now it’s a watered down mousy very light brown. It makes me look old.

 

But yeah, back to trying to be happy about the house :

 

_872 Melanson 2

872 Melanson 3

Backyard 2

Backyard

Balcony 1

Since the last time I blogged

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Since the last time I blogged :

  • I have traveled to Ottawa, ON and Montebello, QC for an insane rock festival called Rockfest Amnesia.
  • I have completed my 2 spring/summer university courses. My final score for Theorie Organisationnelle is A-, and I am still awaiting my results for Management International.
  • My 2 months off university completely started this weekend.
  • I have gotten pre-approved for a mortgage and I’ve been looking at houses.
  • I have started panicking about turning 35 years old this summer. 35!
  • I am terrified of committing to a mortgage, yet I’ve had it up to ‘here’ with landlords and their rules.
  • I have gone to the beach for the very first time this summer. The water was pretty chilly compared to the Caribbean!
  • I have started going blonde again…

I brought back a tan from New York

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After a long 18 hour bus ride and a 10 minute cab ride, we finally got home yesterday afternoon. Witnessing my love of NYC, and witnessing my recent work induced meltdowns, a few hours before leaving the city, J asked me if I was happy at all to go back home. I was. Four days in NYC is definitely enough for me these days. I’ve been home for 24 hours and I still have a hard time walking at a normal pace for all the blisters and shin splints. My face still feels puffy and my feet still feet swollen from the long bus ride. I just drank an XL Tims coffee, and although I’m feeling overwhelmed and nervous by the amount of homework and reading I have to do before Sunday, I know that I would just fall asleep in my book right now if I tried. But thankfully, my boss agreed to grant my last minute request for an additional 2 days off, so that I can return to work next week all caught up from University, and fully refreshed for work.

I wasn’t supposed to shop in NYC. This trip wasn’t in the budget at all, but I won it, it was free. So I wasn’t going to shop. This was going to be a frugal vacation. I have unpacked our two big suitcases, our two backpacks, got my purse back to it’s normal size, but the Macy’s, Burlington Coat Factory, and DSW bags are still sitting on my kitchen table. Maybe if I look at them every time I pass in front of them, I will get more for my money’s worth? Those bags on the kitchen table also contain Julien’s family’s souvenirs that will go their way tomorrow, Robyn’s thank you gifts for taking care of Roxy while we were away, and random photos we purchased and playbills from Broadway plays. Next to those are my 5 pairs of shoes and 8 dresses that were unplanned. But I love them. I did not buy a single pair of heels. I didn’t even buy one handbag. Imagine that? I still have my rows of fake Canal St. designer bags in my closet, but I always wear my same favourite purse. It hangs cross body, leaving my hands free to do more practical things, and it has about a zillion pockets so I know exactly in which pocket any specific item is at all times. No need to search for anything. I love it. I don’t care about designer names anymore. I still love the marketing and advertising and brains behind designer operations, it’s fascinating to me. I still think designer bags can be beautiful and of greater quality. But I no longer care to own anything designer. I no longer care to impress anyone, really. If this is what being in your 30’s is like, then I’m excited to turn 35 this summer.

This was, by far, my favourite NYC vacation ever. I’m so thankful that I got to experience it with J. He really liked New York. I’m sure we’ll be back. I’m glad that we have really compatible travel styles and attitudes. I’m really glad that we were able to laugh it off together when right before going to see J’s most anticipated broadway play, when picking up his glass of water at Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, J was drenched in water from his tall glass breaking. J, the server and I were all looking at each other for a couple of seconds, not fully comprehending what was happening with all the water. J was holding his now empty, tall glass in front of his face, with the last inch, the most important inch, the bottom inch of the glass sitting, unshattered, on the dining table. Huh! Then we all laughed and laughed. The server said that he had never seen that happen in the 7 years of his working there. The manager came to apologize, and gave us his personal business card to send any cleaning fees his way, and also gave us a 10$ gift card. J said no problem, it’s not their fault, and we laughed some more. We still laugh today when we talk about it hehe.

We also laugh when we recall the story of the woman pushing her kid in a stroller at a busy Times Square intersection. Moving along with the crowd right next to us, when we reached the other side of the street, their stroller hit a bump in the sidewalk and the kid went flying out! Poor kid!! Isn’t that why stroller straps exist? The kid wasn’t phased at all. He got up and sat himself back down while we tried to stiffle laughter, because it would be mean to laugh, right? haha! Are we mean? Probably not, we gave to a few causes while in NYC. We donated most to something we care a lot about – arts/music. We didn’t give huge amounts, but they say that every donation helps, so hopefully it does.

One evening we were sitting on a concrete ledge, next to the the New World Stages, killing time before going in for Avenue Q. At 7:28pm I announced that even though I knew for sure that the play started at 8pm, I was just going to appease my obsessive impulses by checking the tickets. I opened my enveloppe with the chronological post-it identified folded printed tickets, found the Avenue Q tickets, and opened them. OMG it starts at 7:30, not 8!! We sprung up and ran inside, down the stairs, to the washrooms, and in our seats with a couple of minutes to spare before the play started. PHEW!! So close! I would have cried if we missed it! We were sitting in the front row. Aaah knee room! We were alos in the first row for Chicago, and Velma Kelly threw a rose at me at the end! I hate tacky souvenirs, but I might hang on to this fake rose with it’s fake dew for a little while. It makes me smile when I look at it. And I pause, and I pop my hip, I throw my hands up, and sing-whisper: And all that jazzzz!

The border crossing on our way back went oh-so-smoothly!! I’ve never seen the process go so fast. It was amazing. We all got out of the bus and were all back on ready to go in about 15 minutes. I let Julien have the more comfortable window seat during the entire way back. He would argue with me about it, but I reminded him that he had to work yesterday afternoon right after we arrived home, while I got to relax. I am so physically exhausted. I requested 2 more days off work, and I slept in until 11 am this  morning. I do not understand how J could wake up at 9 to work today. I can’t. I’m so exhausted that my face is puffy.

But my soul, my heart and my mind? Breathing a contented sigh of relief. New York always recharges my fun batteries. Always. The smell of nuts roasting, meat smoking, spices tingling inside vendor carts all along the streets, the random ballerinas dancing in front of Bethesda fountain in Central Park, the wonderful wind breeze, refreshing us from the hot summer-like sun shining on us, while we’re enjoying a pedicab ride in the park, while making the trees attack us with their little flying tree things. (I have no idea what they were, just that the pedicab driver, J and I were laughing hysterically while being attacked by these little flying wood things (were they ‘helicopters’?), and the pedicab driver coughing for the rest of the ride because he had swallowed one. My cultural meter is also full.

Time to drag this exhausted body to my desk and read and do homework. Ideally, I would kick ass at this and finish with a day to spare to relax fully before returning to work. So, time to bust ass. Maybe right after I look at my new dresses and shoes one more time ;)