25 Days 5 Hours 15 Minutes 11 Seconds

That is the amount of time left, according to my countdown app, until I become Mrs. L! Our 4 year anniversary is about 1 month after our wedding. If you were reading my blog 5 years ago, can you believe this? 5ish years ago, while browsing the streets of St. John’s, NL during my first business meeting trip following my separation from my ex, even though I was so stressed financially, I bought myself a big ole, simple, black and white fridge magnet. This is weird, because I’ve always been so anti fridge magnet. I can’t stand fridge clutter, or any clutter. But somehow, this fridge magnet spoke to me. I stuck it to the side of the fridge in my ex marital home, I then stuck it on the side of the fridge of my little apartment, and now it’s stuck on the side of the fridge in my home. The home that is perfect for us, despite its shortcomings, and fits in our budget. That last part is to important to me; lessons learned. The home that will warm us and our 19 guests when we get married in 25 days. The home that will shelter our soon to be born son. The fridge magnet says : “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” Every time I lay eyes on that magnet, I thank my lucky stars for my life. I think that I am going confidently-ish in the direction of my dreams, and living the life I’ve imagined. Sometimes it’s even better than the life I’ve imagined in my dreams.

Speaking of dreams, does anyone else get emotional and love this Kraft peanut butter commercial and song, or is it just the pregnancy hormones? I love that song. Here’s the whole song.

The wedding preparations are well underway, although the scope of the project keeps changing. When initially planning our wedding, it was only going to be a handful of people (like, under 10), the officiant, and us. 10 minutes, then we all go out to eat in our regular clothes. It is now candles, and tulle, and boutonnieres and corsages, a bouquet, a cake, chairs, a home made feast, two bridesmaids, two groomsmen, a little flowergirl, and 14 other guests. 19 guests in total. Plus the officiant, and the photographer, and the make up girl, and the hair stylist. Oh yeah. Although my tiny wedding budet has quadrupled so far, I love it. It’s the wedding of my dreams, and I’m going to marry the man of my dreams. On Thursday, we go out to lunch with my future mother in law, and then we’re going to a decorating boutique to see about wedding decorations. I’m glad that even though we’re having a tiny wedding, I get to experience a lot of the fun wedding planning stuff. And I couldn’t imagine a more awesome future mother in law to plan all these life events with. I feel like his family truly is my family too.

Speaking of life events and family, our 3D Ultrasound is in 5 Days 1 Hour 38 Minutes 14 Seconds. I can’t wait to see Jerome’s little face! At my last ultrasound… 4 weeks ago I think? They said that he is now measuring 1 pound and 8 ounces. I’m excited that I get to see him in 3D, hear his heart, and make sure he’s okay, with his father and his four grand parents in the room. The 3D place even provides up to 10 links so people can view the ultrasound live from their home computer. It means that my brother and his fiancee, the god parents, get to watch the ultrasound live from Bathurst. How crazy is that? I love technology!

The question of the day, every day, I assume to all pregnant women is: “How do you feel?” So here it is. When someone inevitably asks me how I feel, my default answer is : Tired. It’s true, and in my mind it justifies at least a little bit, why I look like such a blah version of myself… but the complete answer, because this is my blog: I am having a string of feeling ugly and fat days. I have gained too much weight, I am swollen so sometimes I wear J’s mens boots out and about, I am hairy, so damn hairy, and I move slow. I have more zits than when I was a teenager, however I have dry flaky dinosaur spots. I have been stuffy and had bloody noses the whole time, with resulting bleeding, crusty nose sores that hurt like motherfuckers. I have worn make up exactly three times since I found out I was pregnant. Last weekent, on Valentines Day <3, we had our engagement photo session. The more I look at the proofs, the more I like them, but my initial reaction to them was: Holy shit I’m so fat. I honestly googled a picture of Granda Ethyl from Dinosaurs to show Julien, because I felt like there was a huge resemblance there. Me and her are twinsies. I know I’m carrying a baby, but he’s not in my double chin. I am trying to not get too discouraged, and tell myself that once baby is here the weather will be perfect for nice walks in the park, and the weight will come off again. As much as I’m pissed at my body for gaining so much weight in the past 26 weeks, I can’t get too pissed at it. After 10 years of struggling with infertility in my ex-life, my body rocks for having helped create this child I’m carrying, and keeping him healthy so far! Also, the fact that my fiance discovered in our first trimester a new budding passion for cooking is probably more than partly to blame. This mama and baby are in heaven! Daddy’s chocolate cake is amazing.

Good Things This Winter.

I’ve started feeling the baby move more consistently this week, and it’s kind of amazing. I have an anterior placenta which was preventing me from feeling baby’s movements earlier. The crib is assembled and in baby’s yellow nursery. The dresser and changing table will be delivered Monday. Then, I’ll put the jungle animal decals and the nursery will start to take shape!

We’re going back to The Keg on Valentine’s day, and I’m going to eat the exact same thing I did on New Year’s Eve! I can’t wait! Then it must be love – he’s bringing me to see Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m trying to be more mindful of calories in lately though, because I’m gaining way too much weight way too fast. I have started prenatal yoga at the school of youtube last week, but I think I need to schedule it because I haven’t done it enough.

I have the most awesome fiance I could ever dream of. He has been to every single one of my doctors appointments, and there have been many, many, weekly or bi-weekly since week 6. He has gone to the store at 11pm to buy me a fruit tray. He bakes brownies, he shovels the insane amounts of snow, he comforts me when I cry because I’ve dropped my 2nd large decaf coffee on the ground, he tells me I’m beautiful even though I’m rounder, zittier, and hairier. Next month I finally get to be married to him, and my heart melts in anticipation.

There is bad stuff. My mother, her cancer, money… but life can’t be too perfect, I guess, and I’d rather write about the good stuff. That’s what I want to remember down the road when I re-read this.

Good things are going to happen!

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I have this print bookmarked, and I’m going to buy it someday, or maybe paint it myself.

I feel much better since my last post. I have decided that my coworker’s attitude is not my problem, it’s hers. Yes I am overly sensitive, but she is probably going through some stuff that makes her be a bitch to more people than just me. She is currently on stress leave from work, which re-affirms my sentiment. I hope she feels better soon, and I hope that she takes it out on me less, because I just like when we can all get along. My new boss called me this morning to let me know that he has accepted a different position in a different city, in our satellite office, so more changes to come! Good things are going to happen.

More good things that are going to happen :

On December 23 we learned that this little miracle growing in my belly is growing a little wee-wee. It’s a boy! We bought ‘insert-your-own-photo’ snowglobes, and inserted an ultrasound photo with an “Hello, I’m a boy!” caption, and gave each set of parents one for Christmas, with the instruction to open that gift last. They were a hit! My mother was bawling. We also gave my brother and his fiancee Amanda these, which were also a hit :

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Then on New Year’s Eve we went to eat at The Keg, and it was so damn delicious!

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I wish I had taken pictures of every dish, but I was enjoying the moment too much. I had escargot stuffed mushroom caps for an apetizer, this NY strip in the picture for my entree, with a delicious spinach salad, and creme brulee for dessert. I can’t wait ’till I get to eat this again – on Valentine’s day. Reservations made!

And this also happened on New Year’s Eve! <3

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The love of my life proposed on New Year’s Eve, making that day even more special for me. I’ve always loved NYE so much for being full of promise and hope. This Saturday we’re picking up my ring from the jewelers, who took two long weeks to resize it for me. It’s his grandmother’s ring, which means so much to me. We are getting married on March 21, the first full day of spring this year! We will have a civil wedding, in our new house, with 18 of our closest friends and family. We both wanted a no-stress day, and with a baby on the way, it makes complete sense to us to have our wedding fit in our budget. I can’t wait to be Mrs. LeBlanc!

I spent Sunday with my mother and his mother, going out to eat, shopping, and planning our wedding. They are so excited! Both our fathers really want to wear suits, and our mothers both bought beautiful black dresses. I am letting my mom go crazy with her tulle and white lights, and all of the food they have planned. I think it’s going to be a beautiful spring day :)

People

What is wrong with people?

What I ended up doing was taking 1 week off sick, and working 1 week from home last week. I felt that was a good compromise. Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for some people.

I had a good stretch of about four nights where I slept for the entire night. It felt amazing. I felt like a had a much better handle over my emotions, life didn’t seem so gloomy, and I felt like life wasn’t too hard. That I could do this.

Yesterday, we finally got some news about my mom biopsies. It’s not good. On top of her returned lymphoma cancer, she now has stomach cancer, and that has propagated to her liver. She is in the hospital for another transfusion today, and Thursday she has a meeting with her oncologist to hear what course of treatment they have decided on, etc.

Last night I layed in bed, staring at the ceiling, for the whole night. I did not sleep one minute. I knew that the three coworkers who have been giving me sly attitude would have something to say about my working from home today again. I had an appointment with my specialist yesterday, and he agreed that working from home is a good compromise. (As opposed to going on medical leave straight out.) He wrote me a doctor’s note. I sent the note to my manager as an attachment in an e-mail, and wrote down a list of reasons why I think that due to the nature of my position, I think that I am an ideal candidate for working from home. I stared at the ceiling all night, worrying about what those two people would say about my working from home. I don’t think I even fell asleep for one minute.

When my alarm rang at 7:30, I was nauseous and shaky. I was having a blood sugar low. I got ready and came downstairs to my work set-up. 30 minutes after my start time, it started.

“Are you coming in the office today?????”

“Are you working from home for the whole week????”

“Wow, must be nice.”

Me, to one of the two : “Is that okay with you?”

Her : “Is what okay?”

Me : “My working from home for the week.”

Her : “Does it matter? It’s none of my business”

Me : “It matters to me.” (She was my very closest coworker, for years!) 

Her : “If your doctor tells you to work from home, it doesn’t matter what we think about it.”

What would you do? Is my baby safer with my working from home, where I’m stressed about what those women are saying about me, possibly ruining my professional reputation, or should I suck it up and go bleed and go be hypoglycemic at work, 3 feet away from them, to make them happy?

D.E.S.S.E.R.T.S.

So, I’ve been stressed. I am finally past the critical 12 week mark, but it’s important for me to not stress myself out, so that I can control my diabetes, my anxiety, my IBS and everything else. With being responsible for 2 positions at work, other work stuff that I’m having a really hard time with, my high risk pregnancy, university, and last but not least, my mom receiving her biposy results, which is the worst option possible – The mass on her liver is a 2nd cancer. Tomorrow she’s going for tests to determine if there are more tumors in her stomach, intestines, etc. Fingers crossed.

When I told my doctor that the reason I have having a hard time controling my blood sugars is because of all this, and started crying in his office, he wrote me a note for a 2 week medical leave from work. On one hand, I feel guilty, on the other hand, I’ve wanted to be a mother for so long, and this might be my only shot… I have to put my health first. Right?

My little peanut shaped secret!

Pregnancy brain started early. I had completely forgotten that the cleaners were coming on that day, so the cleaning lady who saw my “3 weeks +” positive digital pregnancy test on the counter found out that we are expecting before our parents did! hehe You can read the end of the previous post and put 2 and 2 together, but really we were not trying. But we were not preventing. I can’t believe it happened this fast! I’m ecstatic, even though the timing could have been so much better. I’m currently working 2 positions at work, and going to university part-time, and we’ll have to cancel that pre-booked March 2015 cruise with the unrefundable deposit. But it’s worth it. I’m praying that even though I’m high risk, that I deliver a healthy baby in 7 months.

This is still a secret. I’m trying to not tell the world until 12 weeks, but it’s hard! So nothing on Facebook, please!

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2 Weeks

The one thing I will miss from this little 1 bedroom apartment that has been our home for the past 3 years is the view of Dieppe and the marsh from our top floor balcony. I will miss seeing the overflow of traffic on the first day of school (tomorrow morning!), and the eerie quietness and lack of traffic late on Christmas Day and during snow storms. I will not, however, miss my balcony being so close to my neighbors’ balconies that we have to whisper conversations and stifle our laughter.  I will not miss having to wake up early on rare sleep-in days to move the car after a snow storm. I will not miss the ban on laundry appliances after 9pm, and I will especially not miss fire alarm practices and landlord power trips.

 

In 2 weeks we are moving into our new house! We are so excited! I have done a lot of packing during this long weekend, because tomorrow university starts again! Who knew that after not using my big rotisserie pan for like 2 months, I’d suddenly need it twice this weekend, obviously after having already packed it! These two months off everything but my regular full time job have been great, but nowhere near  as relaxing and rejuvenating as I was anticipating them to be. I contemplated taking a semester off, to rest more and enjoy the move, but ultimately I don’t want to lose time.  I didn’t even make time to see my friends like I said I would. The two months off were filled with travel, 2 friends’ wedding, and trying to adapt to changes at work that are sucking.

 

2 weeks ago I turned 35 years old! Geez, where does the time go? I remember not so long ago thinking that 35 was OLD! I don’t feel old at all. I feel like life only keeps getting better and better as I age, yet I am painfully aware of how short and fleeting life is. At 20 years old, I thought that I was young and that I knew everything. At 35, I know that I’m young, and that I barely know anything. I have learned a lot of life lessons, that’s for sure. I can’t wait to see what the next 5 years will bring!

 

2 weeks before my birthday, we made a big life decision. I am terrified, yet over the moon excited with the possibilities. In my heart of hearts, I feel like it’s time. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but I need to try.

 

Also, I’m back to being blonde. My hair stylist said “You’re back!”. I think she’s right.