The Mommy Hat vs the Employee Hat

It’s hard.

This morning, I walked gently and quietly into my son’s room, hoping and wishing that he was feeling a lot better than he did yesterday. I held my breath, partly because it reeked of sour vomit in there. Yesterday was so hard. Newborn days kind of hard. There was so much crying, and so much vomit.

He was awake, looking up at me with his red swollen eyes. I said “Allo mon amour!” and he replied with vomit. I can tell that he’s better than yesterday, but he can’t go to daycare for sure. He is still running a fever. I ask him if he wants to come out of bed and he answers with a little squeaky “No”.

I go in the kitchen to pace and think. Pace and think. My mother in law told us last night that she could not miss today’s work day, so that’s out. He can’t go to daycare. We have no other family close enough. Julien could take the day off, but then he would still have to drive me to work and come get me, on top of other errands that have to be run today, so that could mean a puke filled car. I could take a second day off in a row to stay home with my sick son, but I’ll be judged by my coworkers.

When Julien walked into the kitchen, I was just standing there crying, not knowing what to do. We decided to get Jerome from his crib and bring him to the living room, to further assess his health and mood. He stayed glued to us and hung on for dear life, like yesterday. When I tried to get up off the couch to pace some more, he started crying. Looking at him with his little red crying face, reaching out for his mama made the decision easy for me.

I have wanted to be a mom for too long to not be a mom when my son needs me. I emailed work to let them know I’d be taking another day at home with my sick child. My beautiful, burning child has stayed glued to me since.

And my insides have been twisted with guilt and anxiety and fear of jugement since.

 

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Mother’s Day

Today is Mothers Day. I slept in, I received red roses from the love of my life, a handmade card that my son made at daycare, I watched Netflix all day and I’m currently sitting here watching “Being Erica”, looking ridiculous with my oily coconut-smelling hair mask, wrapped up in Saran Wrap. Earlier I also had a mud mask. My son is in bed and my husband is cooking us steaks and potatoes on the BBQ. Mmm.

I still can’t believe that I finally get to be a mom, to have a piece of my heart beating on the outside, all while being head over heels with his daddy. There is not a day that goes by without my having a burst of gratitude for my life.

I am so thankful that I get to be your mom, Jerome. Happy Mother’s Day to all the women in my life!

Vacation!!

A little while ago, I realized that my husband and I needed a mini getaway. Away from cleaning, laundry, work stuff, cat hair, etc. Not long after that discussion, we realized that Mastodon was playing tonight in Portland, ME, and here we are.

Typing this while listening to my child cry his head off in his crib, refusing to nap. He was super sick yesterday and daycare called to go pick him up at 10am. He’s feeling better today, we totally could have gone… but I would have felt way too guilty leaving if he hadn’t been better today. We would have had to leave before fully knowing if he was indeed better, to make it work last minute.

Ah well, if everything happens for a reason then I was meant to be here, with my sick child.

 

Adding a blog post

Adding a blog post used to be so simple, before I started censuring myself for various reasons. Blogging was also a lot easier when I wasn’t embarrassed by my most frequent stream of consciousness blog posts. So I end up never taking the time to sit down and enjoy writing a blog post. For someone who is a huge critic of the glorification of business, I sure am way too fucking busy! But it’s all worth it. I just know it is.

So here I am, WordPress open, okay with a stream of consciousness. Because I need to write again. I miss writing terribly, but I spend my days having to be meticulous at work and at university and when doing light translation on the side now (my new thing), that I hardly want to think about what is flowing out from my mind to my keyboard during my way too small windows of me time.

I’ve got about 60% of my Bcomm completed. It feels like I’ve been doing this forever. I can’t wait to have this sucker under my belt. I’ve applied for 6 jobs last weekend, all in the same department where I am now. I have my final stats exam on Sunday, and if I can pass that damn exam, I’ll never have to do a math course ever again. In the foreseeable future. Hopefully never again.

I got a magical lunch box on amazon the other day. Only my favourite colour combo was on sale – black and pink. I had never seen such a lunch box in my life, its distinct features being an upright zipper and 6 little measured containers for healthy, non-tipped over lunches. There’s also a shake bottle holder. It’s easy to carry. I love it. The day after I ordered it on Amazon, I was in the washroom in my faculty, and saw a girl with the exact same lunch box in the very same colour combo. Weird. I call it my magical lunch box because ever since I’ve had it, I’ve prepared healthy lunches and have eaten them every single work day exept Tuesday, when I had to sit through a catered lunch meeting. Oh did I eat bread at that meeting, you think? My heart beats a little faster when I see a beautifully arranged tray of assorted sandwiches, on assorted handmade breads. I ate six mini sandwiches, and I gained 4 pounds. Stupid scale. I  didn’t let it discourage me. My magical lunch box worked its magic again today. I had a post-university course car lunch date with my husband. We both ate our bagged lunch, and we listened to the latest Good job brain! podcast.

I got a garmin watch last week, and damn if I wasn’t walking up and down my driveway tonight, trying to get all of my steps in to reach my daily goal. Sitting in class on Wednesday mornings for 3 hours is HARD! I really should walk more on a daily basis though. To reach my daily goals, I have had to pace in my family room every night to reach my goal.

Well, we said that we were going up for bed at 11:15 and it’s 11:12. So…. bye! 🙂

3 Months Later…

This morning my phone alarm rang at 7:30am, after 5 hours of restless, nervous sleep. My alarm sounds like beach music. It took me a long time to find an alarm that doesn’t scare the shit out of me in the mornings, yet wakes me up on time. Not too adrenally, not too soft that I sleep through it for the first 10 minutes. I got up and tiptoed out of the room as not to wake husband and my toddler. I got as ready as I was going to get ready for a 9am management accounting midterm exam on a Sunday morning. I threw on yoga pants, a long black t-shirt, and a black and gray hoodie. I packed water, an apple, my pencils and calculator, made my shake and was out the door only 10 minutes past the time I was planning to leave.

It was weird finding a parking so close to the entrance of the business administration faculty building. It was even weirder climbing up the stairs to find the second floor with the bare minimum amount of lights turned on, abandoned looking, and eerily quiet. I found room 207 and turned on the lights. I was the first one there. I got to choose the best seat. I choose a seat in the very last row of the middle section. I opened my big leather purse and took out everything I needed on my desk to take the midterm: three pencils, a pencil eraser, a pencil sharpener, a bottle of water, a travel pack of kleene, my burts bees original lip balm, and my student ID. They always do a double take because the picture on my ID was taken 3-4 years ago; I have black hair on it.

Another student walks in, and chooses a seat. Another, then another, and then another. We are all sitting in silence, trying to absorb last minute theory and formulas into our brains. Two girls walk in, laughing and talking loudly. They choose seats next to each other, and continue talking and laughing loudly. Serenity now! That’s what I tell myself.

That perfect spot to sit that I chose? The one next to a window? It’s blinding me in the sun now, intermittently. There’s a fluorescent light right above my head that’s making my pencil writing glare. I have to tilt my head to see what I’m writing. When I have anything to write. The midterm is 15 pages long, and every time I turn a page my heart sinks a little deeper. I’ve got chapters 1 to 4. Finally. It’s sunk into my brain. I was just not getting chapters 5 and 6 at all last night, when I had to call it quits at 2am. The questions seemed to be mostly from chapters 5 and 6.

If I pass this midterm it’s going to be a miracle. I feel so disappointed in myself. 14 hours of studying yesterday, seemingly for nothing. I feel so stupid. Why can’t I understand management accounting more easily?

It’s 3 months later and I’m even more worn out than I was when I wrote that last post. I started a sore throat today  How can I start a new cold on top of this cold that I’ve had for 3-4 weeks? That’s it, I really have to try harder.

I’m 99.9% ready to send the email to drop out of choir. I have thought about it so long and hard, and it was going to be something I do for me, but I just have to sacrifice it to spend more time studying management accounting, if I even have a hope to pass after this midterm. I have ordered a poster of a window, to put in my dreadful tiny cubicle at work. A window that looks over New York City. I also ordered a poster of a beach scene. It’ll be a cubicle with an identity crisis, but at least I hope it won’t be as depressing. Last but not least, I’m thinking of switching one of my minors. My university just launched an entire online human ressources management minor, and that might be a great compromise for me. It would allow me more time with my son during his waking hours, yet continue chipping away at this BComm.

All other suggestions for a happy, balanced, more relaxed, less exhausted life are welcome!

The Oxygen Mask

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, for some prescription refills. My doctor gave me the whole oxygen mask analogy story blah blah blah. She told me that I look exhausted, and she layed it on thick. My blood sugars are out of control and my blood pressure is too high. She ended by saying “It’s not just you now. Who’s going to take care of your son if you’re hospitalized?” Geeze. Hospitalized. She didn’t break me down, I didn’t cry. But she’s right. Right now I have a 2 month break from university, and I should really make my health a priority.

I need to make sleep a priority, add regular yoga into my life and other forms of exercise, to stop eating so much take out food, and most importantly, I need go eat at regular times and remember to take my insulin every time. I need to take the time to spend time in nature, I need to cook more, and I need to vacuum more. That last one has nothing to do with my health, but I really do need to vacuum more.

I’ve asked for more help recently, and I’ve gotten it. I’ve started nightly meditation. I’ve read a lot of self help books. We’ve hired a babysitter for the first time in ages and went on a date. We went on a few dates recently in fact, thanks to my wonderful in laws. It’s a good start, but let’s see how much I can improve in the next month.

My life is so good I am dancing with joy!

It was an image that spoke to me, one of the first times I created a personal vision board. There’s a bright blue sky with little white puffy clouds, and a dog dancing. The writing on the picture says “My life is so good I am dancing with joy!” Years ago, I actually chuckled as I pinned the picture to my vision board, thinking “If only!” The dancing dog has made it onto my new vision board every year since.

I don’t know if the picture or the vision board have anything to do with it, but it happened. My life IS so good that I AM dancing with joy! I also don’t know if the vision board has anything to do with it, but my house that I love so much looks oddly similar to the magazine cutting of a house with a back deck and a screen house with trees in the back that I had stuck to my vision board. I saved the little torn picture of the house from my 2014 vision board. It’s now in my ‘mortgage’ file in my filing cabinet.

My life is everything I dreamed it could be. I am married to the love of my life, and he loves me exactly as I am. He loves me, he impresses me, he takes care of us. I used to think that this kind of love wasn’t for me. I LOVE love love our little house. Because I’m pretty minimalistic and anti-clutter, we fit nicely in it, and it fit nicely into our budget. The walls are full of beautiful things that literally make me smile. Paintings that I’ve painted, family pictures, HUGE pictures of my husband and my son together.

My son. Oh my God, my son.

I have a huge, debilitating head cold right now. The silver lining of that is that I’m here taking the time to write this blog post, while JJ is going crazy in his exersaucer, outside of my germ radius. I’ve missed blogging. My husband is my rock and stepped up for me since this head cold hit me yesterday. Maybe I should also take the time to paint a painting and write another bit of story in the novel I’m writing in my spare time. I’m listening to the new episode of the Serial podcast as I’m blogging and drinking coffee. I’m starting to think that my head cold, and the stormy weather outside, were meant to have me relax a little bit and take the time to take care of myself beyond the great eating and working out twice a day we’ve been doing lately.

My son. When I tried to write about how grateful I am to be his mother earlier, I teared up so much that I moved on to a new paragraph. I won’t lie, the first couple of months were so hard. Traumatic birth, busted open incision, daily nurses to change my dressing, carrying that damn vac attached to my insicion everywhere, the constant crying. My mother in law and my husband were blessings from heaven. She came to relieve me of my night shift every morning at 9am every day for two months. I would sleep until the nurse came to change my dressing at 11am and she would leave after lunch. It was truly a blessing. We’re so lucky to have her. JJ was diagnosed with reflux, prescribed medication, and he has chilled the fuck out. I would do it all over a hundred times for my son.

My son is 9 months and 5 days old today. He has three teeth out and three more piercing his gums. He gives us big scrunchy nosed toothy smiles. He used to tolerate meat purees and chunkier purees, but since his teeth came in all he will eat is pureed fruit with quinoa, yogurt etc. He thinks eggs are gross. He loves the beatboxing guy on yo gabba gabba. He refuses to sit, but wants to crawl so badly. He laughs big belly laughs when we pretend his toys are kissing his face and hands. He is the sunshine of my life. I’m so grateful that I get to be his mom!

Other happy good things:

Our cruise is in less than a month! I have bucket list concert tickets for Celine Dion in Montreal in September, and Pearl Jam’s 25th anniversary tour in May in Quebec City. Julien’s band got nominated for an East Coast Music Award, which is SO awesome! I am so proud of them and so happy for them. I finally decided to start writing a novel, and I’m over 25,000 words in. I have decided to stop fearing failure and just start painting. My soul loves it. We are on a great path, financially. We are smart and resourceful. I am making healthy eating choices and working out twice a day, my blood sugars have never been this great ever, and I have done so much personal development work, that I feel like my return to work after a year of mat leave will be okay.

That’s the big cloud over my head. I NEED to be jazzed up about work. My employer is amazing and I am so grateful to be employed there, but my specific job is soul sucking. I’ve decided that I will seriously consider other opportunities that light me up.

Maybe that should go on my vision board – Light me up!