Flat On My Ass

The two weeks leading up to my Chorale’s 25th Anniversary Silver Jubilee Concert were pretty crazy. I had big important deadlines at work, with a lot of people relying on my reports and data in order to meet their big important deadlines. I put in a LOT of overtime at work. I brought my laptop home many nights and weekends. Some days I worked from 9am (let’s face it, I’m not a morning person!) until 1am, almost non-stop. The days that I wasn’t working overtime for work, I was working on stuff for the chorale. I made an arrangement of music sheet paper flowers which apparently received a lot of compliments at the concert! They were part of a 25th anniversary memorabilia display on which our little committee worked hard. I also made a looping slideshow for the display, worked on a contest and prepared the necessary stuff, I had a pretty good idea for a special Silver Jubilee gift for our choir director, got the rest of the board of directors..’on board’… etc etc.

Paper Flowers 2

The concert was pretty amazing. I got to sing at the Capitol Theatre, I loved our program, I sold 27 tickets!! The entire third row of the capitol were there because of me, with a few more scattered in the theatre. I loved knowing exactly where everyone that came to see me were sitting as soon as I came out on stage, even though I couldn’t see them very well because of all the lights. The after party was also a hit! I normally dread those things. I always find it such an awkward change in dynamics in a group when we all bring our spouses and other family members. It’s like the majority of us turn into slightly tamer versions of ourselves. But that night, Julien and I were sitting with Sharon and her husband Allan, Judy (who had worked so hard with me on the memorabilia display) and her husband sterling, and our pianist Toto. You know when everyone sitting at the table is so fascinating that you don’t know which conversation to listen to? That! Did I mention that both my parents, my brother and his girlfriend all came together for the first time? My brother came to one concert before, my mother to another one, my father had never seen me sing with my chorale! My parents and Julien’s parents finally met for the first time. I missed it all, I was backstage, but I hear it went well.

The minute the concert was over and that I walked off stage, I started coughing and feeling like – BAM, there’s a cold in my face. Perhaps the few shots of Jagger before the concert helped delay it until the very last note of the concert.

I was off work Monday, I was supposed to volunteer. I didn’t do very much volunteering; I was flat on my ass with this chest cold. Everything hurt. Tuesday, I couldn’t get out of bed and I called in sick. Wednesday, I dug deep and got ready and went to work. After being told 100 times that I looked like shit and that I really shouldn’t be there, I told my boss that I was going home at noon and he said YES – GO HOME! Thursday, I called in sick again, still flat on my ass. Friday, I was feeling a lot better (compared to earlier in the week), but I only made it until 10:30am when they literally kicked me out and sent me home because my director didn’t want me contaminating the whole unit.

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m waiting for the after hours medical clinic next door to my apartment to open in a little over an hour, because although I feel a lot better, the right side of my face hurts and is swollen and it freaks me the fuck out. It kind of feels like something to do with my right ear… it’s super swollen right in front of my ear and around my jaw. I hope it’s something they can just give me a pill for and send me on my merry way.

I remember exactly the last time I was (almost) this sick. It was during the beginning of the end of my marriage. Sharon (the fascinating one sitting at my table at the chorale after party) told me that night that a head cold means a lot of confusion. Back then, the last time I was really sick, I definitely had a lot of confusion. I didn’t know then that this would be a bad chest cold, so I haven’t asked Sharon what this means… but in case it means there’s too much stuff on my heart and chest, I’m going to unload a few things which have been weighing heavily on my heart:

Chanel : My mother called me 2-3 days prior to the concert, and informed me that for a slew of reasons, my brother and her are unable to take care of Chanel and wait for me to be ready financially to buy another house. (I’m soooooo ready mentally!) Ever since, I have been scouring kijiji looking for ground level rental places that allow dogs, in my budget, etc. I have been thinking about this all day every day. I realize that with the fees associated with a damage deposit, a move, the reconnecting of all my utilities, mail redirecting, etc…. it would cost me at LEAST $2,000 for this move. What if I hate the new place? What if I’m not ready yet for the responsibility of a dog again? Chanel has been living in Bathurst for 1.5 years now, it might be time to just let someone else who is able to, love her and take care of her. I asked my ex-husband if he would consider keeping her forever. They had refused my last offer of taking care of her ‘until I can take her back’, and I understand why it would be hard to not get too re-attached. So I asked him if they would like to take her back, and keep her forever. He said that he would let me know, he really had his heart set on a Pug.

Divorce: It’s official, I’ve received my certificate of divorce in the mail. I’m a divorcee. Some of my friends were like: “Wooooo!! Let’s throw you a divorce partay!!” But I’m not going to do that. To me, it would feel like celebrating one of my biggest failures. I had promised to love and cherish him in good times and in bad, through health and sickness, etc. Even though I feel like he had been half-assing his half of the promise for years and years, and that we were best friends who should have really stayed best friends… we were never true lovers… I still feel a lot of guilt. I’m in love now, I’m happy. I think that he’s in love and happy.. at the very least he’s found a good replacement for me. They live happily in our matrimonial home on which my name is still on. That home and his inability to find a solution to re-mortgage in his(their) name(s) only is the reason why I’m stuck in this damn apartment…. still so much guilt.

Mom: I haven’t been able to take care of mom and go visit her as much as I would have liked to. She has been through 2 rounds of chemo so far, both in Moncton. Both times I went to visit her every single day in the hospital, and even though it’s hard for me to change my routine, I wouldn’t have been anywhere else. But it’s when she’s not in the hospital that I feel like a slacker daughter. She does live 3 hours away, and I have a lot on my plate and I can’t teleport… I know I should give myself some slack… but life is too short to not make more efforts to visit my mom.

The clinic next door opens in an hour. Wish me luck!