This morning my phone alarm rang at 7:30am, after 5 hours of restless, nervous sleep. My alarm sounds like beach music. It took me a long time to find an alarm that doesn’t scare the shit out of me in the mornings, yet wakes me up on time. Not too adrenally, not too soft that I sleep through it for the first 10 minutes. I got up and tiptoed out of the room as not to wake husband and my toddler. I got as ready as I was going to get ready for a 9am management accounting midterm exam on a Sunday morning. I threw on yoga pants, a long black t-shirt, and a black and gray hoodie. I packed water, an apple, my pencils and calculator, made my shake and was out the door only 10 minutes past the time I was planning to leave.

It was weird finding a parking so close to the entrance of the business administration faculty building. It was even weirder climbing up the stairs to find the second floor with the bare minimum amount of lights turned on, abandoned looking, and eerily quiet. I found room 207 and turned on the lights. I was the first one there. I got to choose the best seat. I choose a seat in the very last row of the middle section. I opened my big leather purse and took out everything I needed on my desk to take the midterm: three pencils, a pencil eraser, a pencil sharpener, a bottle of water, a travel pack of kleene, my burts bees original lip balm, and my student ID. They always do a double take because the picture on my ID was taken 3-4 years ago; I have black hair on it.

Another student walks in, and chooses a seat. Another, then another, and then another. We are all sitting in silence, trying to absorb last minute theory and formulas into our brains. Two girls walk in, laughing and talking loudly. They choose seats next to each other, and continue talking and laughing loudly. Serenity now! That’s what I tell myself.

That perfect spot to sit that I chose? The one next to a window? It’s blinding me in the sun now, intermittently. There’s a fluorescent light right above my head that’s making my pencil writing glare. I have to tilt my head to see what I’m writing. When I have anything to write. The midterm is 15 pages long, and every time I turn a page my heart sinks a little deeper. I’ve got chapters 1 to 4. Finally. It’s sunk into my brain. I was just not getting chapters 5 and 6 at all last night, when I had to call it quits at 2am. The questions seemed to be mostly from chapters 5 and 6.

If I pass this midterm it’s going to be a miracle. I feel so disappointed in myself. 14 hours of studying yesterday, seemingly for nothing. I feel so stupid. Why can’t I understand management accounting more easily?

It’s 3 months later and I’m even more worn out than I was when I wrote that last post. I started a sore throat today  How can I start a new cold on top of this cold that I’ve had for 3-4 weeks? That’s it, I really have to try harder.

I’m 99.9% ready to send the email to drop out of choir. I have thought about it so long and hard, and it was going to be something I do for me, but I just have to sacrifice it to spend more time studying management accounting, if I even have a hope to pass after this midterm. I have ordered a poster of a window, to put in my dreadful tiny cubicle at work. A window that looks over New York City. I also ordered a poster of a beach scene. It’ll be a cubicle with an identity crisis, but at least I hope it won’t be as depressing. Last but not least, I’m thinking of switching one of my minors. My university just launched an entire online human ressources management minor, and that might be a great compromise for me. It would allow me more time with my son during his waking hours, yet continue chipping away at this BComm.

All other suggestions for a happy, balanced, more relaxed, less exhausted life are welcome!

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