Girouette

I have arrived. I’m living my best life. I have never felt this beautiful in my life, ever. I feel like a goddamn goddess. A bad ass one, with tattoos and pink and purple strands of hair. I catch glimpses of myself in the dirty, broken mirror that is propped up against the wall to my left, and I think vainy thoughts. I’m sitting at my computer, in my office. It’s one of my favourite places in the world. Looking at yourself bang on the side, sitting down, isn’t usually a flattering image. But when you have lost 125lbs, you start to get conceited. I know I do. I think that’s why I feel the urge to write on my little dusty blog. Because it’s not normal to say out loud that you think that you look like a goddamn goddess.

Don’t get me wrong, I have armfuls of hanging skin, stretch marks, and saggy bits, but my body has carried and given birth to two beautiful, healthy children. My life-long dream. My body is awesome. I’m more motivated than ever to feed it healthy nutrients and exercise it, to thank it for everything it has done and is doing for me. When I do yoga, I thank my body for the amazing ride.

I often just think about my life and can’t believe how it turned out. A few years ago, I was 350 pounds, I was unhappily married, and I was existing rather than living life. I thought that was it for me. Work and pay bills until the day I die. I know that I worked my ass off to have what I have now, and it wasn’t easy, but I’m sure there was some magic and luck involved also. The kind of in love that I am, I know it’s rare.

I started writing this blog entry a few days ago. You know how it is, with a 5.5 month old and a toddler. I was feeling so cocky as I was writing that, that I nearly deleted it. But I didn’t. In case I felt like I feel right now.

I’ve been swallowed whole by a huge wave of anxiety, depression and panic. I feel crappy about myself. I stayed home from something fun last night. I hid in my bedroom from people today.

I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel stupid. I feel out of control.

I know… yin and yang. The previous energy and frame of mind will return. I hope it’s fast.

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2 thoughts on “Girouette

  1. You look great and you deserve to be proud of your accomplishments. I don’t see you often and Facebook always shows our best sides but you seem to be doing awesome. The anxiety, depression and panic happens to the best of us…especially when you have 2 kids to care for and you’re working your ass off to be the best person you can be. It happens to me too. Take a moment to yourself, listen to your body, if it’s in panic mode, then it thinks you need to fight or run/hide. It’s okay… you’ll be ok. You are doing great and you will kick ass again soon.

  2. The first part of this post had me pumping my fist and crying ‘You go, girl!’. The second part makes me want to wrap you in a hug and tell you that you are enough; you are loved; you have to love yourself even when it’s difficult.

    Go see the new documentary about Mr. Rogers. I don’t know if he’s nearly the celeb in Canada that he was in the US but his message is universal.

    I am so proud of all that you’ve accomplished. You are humble enough to recognize magic and luck as elements but don’t be so humble as to discount your hard work and perseverance! I knew you back in those days of unhappy marriage and other challenges. I am SO, SO happy to see you in this new place and I hope the darker side of it is few and far between.

    {{{Hugs}}}

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